Keep checking I will write/right this one eventually. Here is what I know. There are many more survivors in the world shamed into silence over something which can never be undone. You are not alone, ever. Pick up your sword by writing it down for the world to see.
Alienated family. By definition alienation is
: a withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from an object or position of former attachment : estrangement.
If I could return to the time when my children were younger and realize this is exactly what was happening with my daughter. It began when she was young. I can't even place a time frame. It was complete the day she called my father to tattle on me for punishing her. The issue as to why she was punished I don't even recall the exact reasons other than she was sent to her room for a period of time as a time out. This was how I punished my children when they misbehaved. By chance the cordless phone was in her room. She called my father to report I had sent her to her room. I can place the location; Fountain Street. I can also place her age at 7-9 years. (Not certain) Her call resulted in my father asking to speak with me. He berated me for punishing my own child. It was at that moment I now understand the alienation of my daughters affect had already been taken from me. it was complete.
I wonder why my father did not berate my sisters for their own misguided child rearing. (We have a convicted felon selling drugs.) No. Both my father and my mother permanently estranged my daughter from my affections. At the age of 13 she went to live in my parents home.
She ran away. She did return for a short time in which I placed her into inpatient psychiatric care on 2 different occasions. The first being she was suicidal. The second because of self harm, biting her own arm and drawing blood. While inpatient her therapist advised I discontinue any relationship between my parents and my daughter because they had formed a disproportionate relationship with her. They were not the authoritative parental figures but more of a blind cult leadership. In other words they did not desire to replace me as a parent they wanted to destroy me by destroying my child.
There was discussion of why this was happening. At the time I did not understand in full what was being asked of me. There was one question. It was not of my being a good parent or a bad parent. It was what happened at an earlier time which would want your parents to destroy you? If they could not destroy me they would destroy my child and allow me to watch helplessly. I already knew the answer to this. I was sexually abused by a sibling. My mother witnessed it yet she did not stop it. She blamed me. In her mind she blamed her me, her nine year old daughter not her pubescent other child. The answer was as simple as that. The abuse continued throughout my entire adult life.
Shortly after I attempted to gain a "CHINS" (Child in need of services) court order which I hoped would stop my parents from interfering with my parental authority relationship with my daughter. Even as she lived with my and my new husband she continued to threaten to return to my parents home to live. My attempts to have a rational adult conversation with my mother were futile.
"Mom please stop allowing her to return. This is only causing psychological damage to her. If you and Dad would like to meet with her therapist she (therapist) will explain the reasons why this is only hurting her in the long term."
If I had followed through with the Department of Social Services and gained the CHINS order it would have given custody of my daughter to the state of Massachusetts social services department. They would grant me physical custody but dictate a list of provisions which I had to follow. I was in agreement because I realized this may be the only way to save my daughter from further alienation. It was after one question what's asked of me; " What will you do if your child decides to run away?" She had a history of running away to her friends homes. I thought, what if she should go to an unknown place, a friend I was not aware of?
At this point in time my daughter had realized if she lied and played a victim she was credible. She had the abused character of "A Child Called It" as her favorite book and her persona.
(In this book a now adult recalls memories of his childhood in which he was an abused child.)
The judge during the hearing denied my request for the CHINS order. He deferred it for review of her social worker. The social worker explained once placed in the custody of Social Services I could loose physical custody if there was interference. In other words if My daughter ran away again she would be placed in a foster home or a psychiatric ward.
I realized I had already lost my child. The CHINS order would only place her further away from me and into harms way. She continued to use my parents home as a weapon against me. She left my home after calling my mother to take her away. This was a pivotal moment for my decision. If I had called her social worker to return her to my home by requesting the State take custody through the court order I could have forced her back. I decided to just let her go.
Through therapy I understood the reasons behind my parents action. They wanted to punish me into submission of silence. I chose to not allow them to use my daughter as a weapon by letting go.
It was and still is the hardest decision I have ever made. Yet I understood what I was doing. Unfortunately it was the worst of all outcomes. My daughter has Borderline personality disorder. She does not live by society's rules. She creates drama and attention seeking events for herself and her 6 children.
I walked away. That circus has one less viewer in the audience.
If you ask if I have children? My answer is always no, I do not have any children.
As always my post is copyright material. Please do not retain a copy. This is a draft and subject to be rewritten.