In the present not past.

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.


I’ve been attempting to live this mindset since I turned fifty. It’s been a hard left turn being those that want to drag me down seem to strike deep. I realise that we all choose what who we are and what to believe. To choose the present is a wonderful way to live. The past can never drag you down if you believe.



Originally written on March 21, 2016. Updated March 31, 2016.

So yeah, I went. The cancer thing requires a whole lot of waiting! (Adding that it was real but nothing… 🙂 Then I went to the beach. The calming Atlantic Ocean 🐚🐚🐚

  Next up was the Elmwood Cemetary with a bag of soil. Looks like we have built up the soil in the front of the graves stone already. This years planting is still undecideded, as the family is a mess and I’m not sure who will plant what and when. I just want respect to be shown to Dad. I’ve been caring for the family grave since I was a teen. I’ve done it alone without fanfare.

Added after speaking to my brother, he agreed that one person should put the flowers in. The grace will look sloppy with different plantings at different times. My mother doesn’t have any problems with this decision and she named the bulbs she like me to plant in the fall, hyacinths. Before this she was against bulbs. She doesn’t want to visit. I don’t blame her if she never did. Cemeteries are sad places when you just buried your love of 59 years.

But well you know families have issues, secrets and shame. Some choose to repair constructively while others continue in shame. For that I offer no conflict, life is meant to be lived not battled. I really do not have trauma from seeing my sister die in 1972. With unconventional support I’ve lived my life and I’m proud to say I’ve got a great support system. They love me wickedly. Yeah I’m good 🙂

Hey Dad.


This is a five headed daisy. To me it explains everything in life? The world as we see it is a mirrored projection unless we stop AND truly smell the flowers. Without taking the time to view each flower for its beauty each blurs into one. 

 I was gifted a second child, a daughter but as she grew I realized she was mentally ill. I protected her inner demons, secrets. I cried many occasions in the emergency room after being recommended she be admitted to pedi psych unit to medicate then stabilize her meds. In her mind she truly believes the falsities her fantasies give her. The term is called psychological projecting. She tells her version of life with such enthusiasm and zest had I not lived her truth I would never believe it either? 

The flower in the photo is different. Like the child I once held tightly if not for the memories within my heart she would never be except for those memories.

I thank my parents for raising and teaching me spiritually for without, I truly would be heartbroken.  Earlier this year I lost my Dad.  Through dementia I lose a little more of Mom each day. Each day is truly a gift when life is viewed from behind?

Today on Easter I give thanks for the love we will share with our chosen family of faith and not those of birth. Love is as we trust God has gifted us in faith and with the light we have found through each day.


Mary was my 14 year old sister. She died suddenly on February 25, 1972 of myocarditis. She had a cough a few days before but that point she was doomed. In 1972 there wasn’t anything as a heart transplant. Would that have saved her? I don’t think so. I truly wish she had never gotten sick. My parents went into grieving mode. They became a couple because the had to preserve their couple. The forgot me, their 12 year old daughter/ sister who shared a room with Mary.years over i have found faith in various  houses to understand what happened. I began praying to no one in particular but then became affiliated with several Christian churches. I found the bible and I found my sister.

I can across vintage 8 mm tapes taken by my moms parents in the 1960’s. I remember them making the movies! I was very young. On the movie reels I hope to find memories of Mary when she was alive.

Seeking Mary Margaret Gagnon 1958-1974 of Methuen, MA


When I awoke this morning I had high hopes of attacking last winters piles of sand, leaves and dead branches. I stepped outside only to find the temperature was 40 degrees, overcast and about to rain. Defeated I returned inside 😦

There is always tomorrow. 🙂 This weather can’t last all month! I guess I can always get some work and planting done in the greenhouse! 

RAINY DAY (lidocaine infusion today)

The carrots and beets will wait one more day.  Actually they will wait unti Saturday or Sunday. 

This weekends movie is 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE.  91% approval rate at Rotten Tomatos.  Buy tickets early! I saw it and loved it!

“A woman (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) discovers the horrifying truth about the outside world while living in an underground shelter with two men (John Goodman, John Gallagher Jr.).”